Whether you're all alone at home or your nudist friend is hosting a Pampered Chef party, sooner or later everyone is hit with the urge to cook sans apparel. Right? You do that, right?

No? Well maybe you should. Basic human rights dictate that you should at least have the option. And now you can, safely.

What's the world's most important food? Bacon. (Duh.) But it's a cruel twist of culinary fate that this pinnacle of tasticular delight is the world's most dangerous food to cook — especially if you favor the aforementioned practice of cooking commando. And who loves bacon more, men or women? (Duh. Again.) Hot grease and a man's junk are two things that were never meant to mingle.

Well, today brings the answers to your lifelong prayers, my brothers. J&D Foods (makers of the world's first "bacon salt") has just launched "Naked Bacon Cooking Armor," a product that looks like a padded kickboxing jockstrap. Fear castration no longer just because you love to fry the world's greatest meat product while your own yearns to breathe free air!

Perhaps most surprising of all is J&D's price. You'd expect this kind of novelty item to carry a hefty price tag, but it actually costs just $14.99. It's life-saving and affordable!

The male of the species thanks you, J&D Foods. Michael Fassbender thanks you twice.