Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle: @TimmyIsANerd
This week I made the huge mistake of inviting Spider-Man over to help me bake a cake. We join in medias res in my kitchen, several hours into the process...
OK, Spider-Man, just stir that cinnamon into the flour until it's kind of a light brown color.
... Sure. OK, that's good, you can put the spoon down.
Uhh ... seems to be stuck to my hands.
Yeah, just like the whisk and spatula. Maybe your name should be "S***y Wolverine."
But my name is Spider-Man.
We've been here four hours already! Does baking a cake always take this long?
Huh. Weird! I wonder what's different this time?
Now your hand is stuck to the bowl.
Sorry. What should I do with this ground beef?
Ground beef? We're making a cake.
I'm sorry. I've never cooked before.
I can tell. What do you do for food?
Normally get a slice of pizza or a hot dog or whatever else makes me look "New-Yorky."
That's some pretty unhealthy food. How do you stay in shape?
Web-swinging, dude! Amazing calisthenics.
Have you ever thought about teaching a class? Like teach people how to web-sling around the city and get into shape?
I tried once but it didn't go over well. A lot of people died.
Yeah, I suppose everyone in the city would need spider-powers like you to do that!
Tried that, too. It was pretty silly.
OK, did you have to web the butter? I'm not putting it in the cake batter with all this synthetic crud on it.
Don't worry, that's the organic kind that just shoots out of my wrist.
That doesn't it any better. It also doesn't make any sense. But why couldn't you just hand me the butter? Can't you do anything without Spider Powers?
I never learned how to do anything normal! My parents are dead!
How do you land so many foxy babes with all of that whining?
You mean Mary Jane?
Yeah, that incredibly sexy woman that is married to you.
Oh, we're not married anymore. I made a deal with the devil.
But I just saw a comic where you were ...
Oh, that was an alternate universe. I had eight arms once, too.
Whatever. OK, let's put this in the oven now. Can you set that timer for 40 minutes?
Don't worry, I've got my own Spider-Timer!
Oh, yeah, I forgot you have some gadgets, too. How's the Spider-Buggy? Do you have much use for a beach vehicle in New York City?
You know, I actually don't have a lot of use for a beach vehicle in New York City. Go figure! I did take it to Coney Island once and the syringes burst the tires!
Maybe you should get some cooler gadgets like Ba-
I'm sorry, who?
Like Ba- why can't I say that?
[Kevin Feige steps into the kitchen]
KF: Yeah, hi, you can only mention Marvel characters in this interview. That was on your contract. Page 754.
But I also thought I'd be interviewing someone with the intelligence of a scientist.
Sugar tastes good!
KF: Marvel, Disney and its subsidiaries make no guarantees of the quality of our characters, only that they will appear and make you a billion dollars.
Oh, that's why I have a gold toilet now. Thanks, Business Man!
[Feige leaves but not before rolling his eyes real heavily like a 4-year-old that just learned their eyes could do that.]
OK, time to check the cake ... where'd you go Spider-Man?
[Spider-Man drops down from the ceiling]
Sorry, I was hiding from my new boss.
Why? He seems like a nice enough guy.
He keeps mentioning "The Marvel Program" and something about "Hemsworth Abs."
You know who would do great in the kitchen? Doctor Octopus.
Why would you want my greatest enemy here? Don't you like me?
Honestly, Peter, one reason you're so appealing is your supporting cast and Rogue's Gallery. Also, I don't like you.
So what, you're saying you'd rather have Betty Brant or Robbie Robertson?
Well, they probably know to put the brown sugar in the cup part of the measuring cup. I'm still waiting for you to sweep that up, by the way.
No way, man, I do enough sweeping at The Daily Bugle!
Sweeping? I thought you were the photographer.
I got demoted to janitor after JJJ found out where I keep my memory cards when I'm in the Spider-suit.
Gross. You would have a good place to keep those memory cards if you had a utility belt like Ba-
[I hear a soft "whoosh" and feel a sharp pain in my neck. The world reels and my vision darkens. Just before I black out I see a shadow in the window that looks remarkably like Kevin Feige with a blowgun in his mouth. Or maybe a very tall Q-Bert. I wake up in a dark, windowless room. Possibly a basement? I'm tied to a chair. Luckily I'm still wearing pants so it hopefully won't be a "Casino Royale"-type situation. A low, gravelly voice interrupts the musty silence]
The boss said you needed some re-education, or as I call it ... punishment.
[Some guy steps out of the shadows. He has slicked-back hair and a skull on his shirt.]
See you next week?