Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture in order to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle: @TimmyIsANerd
For my very first interview, I decided to start with the most popular fictional character who would return my phone calls: Batman! Actually, he didn't return my call — he just showed up behind me one morning and made me drop my coffee.
Batman! Whoah! Didn't see you there!
I let myself in.
I see that. Oops, looks like I spilled my coffee.
Sorry. That was a nice shirt, too.
Yeah, I just bought this. Never seen one with a butterfly AND a puppy before. Hope this stain comes out.
[Batman reaches into his utility belt.] Here, try this.
Oh cool, is this like a special Bat-Soap? Bat-Stain Remover?
Yeah, even billionaire crime-fighter inventors can't do better than the amazing stain-fighting power of Tide.
[Pause] Okay. I just thought you'd give it a cool name.
That's more of an "Adam West Batman" thing. I'm more of a brooding Frank Millery type.
Gotcha. You seem to know your laundry soap. Do you do your own laundry, or is that more of an Alfred thing?
It depends. Alfred washes my Bruce Wayne stuff, but if I'm running around sweating in the Batsuit, he won't touch it. He's pretty picky. Last week, I had a "run-in" with Catwoman, and Alfred made me wash it in the well outside! I couldn't even bring it into the manor until it was clean.
That must have been a pretty big fight to get the suit that sweaty!
Well, the encounter was written by Judd Winick.
Oh. So do you have a lot of "encounters" like that?
Adam West Batman does.
Yes, I know.
Like all the time.
Like almost every episode.
Look, do you want to just talk to Adam West Batman?
Y'know, that would be great. I love that version so much!
[Frank Miller Batman morphs into Adam West Batman. I'd be pretty surprised if I wasn't already talking to a superhero in my kitchen.]
Adam West Batman: Hello, old man! I understand you have some questions about my love life. You should know I don't really discuss my... comings and goings. It's not suited to a gentleman like myself.
Okay... well, the other Batman – who, by the way, is a total bummer – was talking about laundry.
Ah, yes, the washing of ones clothes.
Yeah, that's exactly what laundry is... In your more family-friendly, "traditional" home life, does Alfred handle a lot of that?
Oh no, I handle all of it myself. You see, the maintaining of ones clothing and crime-fighting wear does a lot for ones character. If I am tracking down The Riddler or fighting The Joker in a soiled uniform, am I really any better than those savage, soiled snakes-in-the-grass?
I love the way you talk.
Language is a beautiful music that separates man from beast.
Nice. Hey, how come your Joker doesn't shave his mustache?
I imagine he has no time for hygiene while determining his dastardly deeds of devilishness.
Wow, you're on fire!
Fire? What? Where?
No it was just a —
Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee — [Adam West Batman's skin starts bubbling and turning green, his eyes redden and he's suddenly wearing a blue cape with matching underwear. Now he's Martian Manhunter.]
Well, for Pete's sake. Do you do laundry?
I have no need for such earthly tasks. I don't wear human clothing.
Wait, so your cape and codpiece are just your skin?
You are correct.
[I notice Martian Manhunter is resting his butt against a cabinet and make a mental note to buy some disinfectant.] But you are a master shapeshifter, right? I mean you could, in theory, make yourself appear to be wearing a shirt and pants instead of this red and blue S&M outfit?
What would be the point in that? I draw no shame from my Martian physique.
I guess you just wouldn't maybe draw so much attention? Like, if you had a less... "sexy" outfit, you could maybe have your own book! Or maybe Grant Morrison wouldn't stab you to death!
[Martian Manhunter turns blue and grows some very nice breasts and is now even more naked! He's become Mystique.] Mystique: We shouldn't have to hide our true selves just because we look different.
I definitely agree with that. For you, at least. But, uh, so who are you really? Are you Martian Manhunter pretending to be Mystique, or Mystique pretending to be Martian Manhunter, or Adam West with a very cool and very specific kind of Bat-Hallucination-Spray or — oh man, my head hurts so bad right now.
Honestly, I don't really know anymore.
Yeah, it's super confusing. It's like the Terminator movies. So John Connor sends his friend back so he can bone his mom and make John Connor — thereby guaranteeing that he can send him back to bone his mom? That's so stupid. Those movies make me hope for a lobotomy.
I can grant your wish, handsome...
[Mystique strides toward me, swinging her hips and giving me those "Mystique eyes" that teenage boys totally think about when they're by themselves. I am very surprised at how well this interview is going! Then she turns into T-1000 and chops off my head with a knife-arm.]
Next week: "Where Are They Now?" with the cast of Jeff Smith's Bone!