Star Wars is no slouch when it comes to churning out merchandise, toys or otherwise.
Pretty much anything you can think of has been emblazoned with the brand and launched into the public stratosphere. Garbage cans, light shades, shaving kits…. When offered opportunity to wring out moneymaking merchandise, George Lucas twisted his precious property tighter than Jabba the Hutt’s belt.
A devout fan of all things eccentric, I’ve cherry-picked some of my favorites. Behold!
(Disclaimer: I own at least one of these abominations. Possibly two.)
C-3PO TAPE DISPENSER
A callous form of cruel and unusual punishment? A genital-granulating BDSM mechanism? Or just a really, really daft piece of merchandise? This cringe-worthy contraption purports to be the latter.
Dare I say C-3PO will pay FAR more attention to the small print before signing off on future product endorsements.
SPACE SLUG OVEN MITT
Stumbling upon an Exogorth: Not good. Burning yourself while removing a piping hot pie from the oven: OK, a somewhat less treacherous predicament. But still an annoying one.
Luckily, this space slug is here to help safeguard your oven’s fiery wrath. Simply reach inside the toothed gastropod and voila! You’re free to touch Hot Stuff to your heart’s content. At least, within restraints of the law.
STAR WARS TOASTER
Toast. But with Darth Vader’s face burned into it. All thanks to a mammoth, clunky, kitchen counter-consuming eyesore. Next!
"Spatula" is one of my least favorite words. Spatula. It just sounds … turgid. Alas, something’s gotta be used to flip pancakes, and the never-to-be-again-named utensil is ideal for such a task. Will shaping the culinary tool into R2-D2's guise help appease my loathing of that word…?
Put bluntly, no. The officially licensed atrocity actually dismembers pancakes with its crude, jagged edges.
This graceless, R2-D2-impersonating savage: In league with Satan.
JAR JAR BINKS CANDY (TONGUE SUCKER)
If one character in the Star Wars universe deserves banishment to the Friend Zone, it’s Jar Jar Binks.
Sure, there are uglier, more repulsive specimens to be found in a Galaxy Far, Far Away. Many are so diabolically evil their hopes of hanky-panky should be bleaker than the Star Wars Holiday Special’s chance of a return to prime time TV.
But then comes Jar Jar Binks. In strong contention for Most Hated Character From Anything Ever, the Gungan General managed to annoy, repulse and offend moviegoers with his pungent personality.
As a result, no one should ever consider placing Jar Jar Binks’ tongue in their mouth. NO ONE. Liam Neeson grabbed the fleshy organ in question during a dinner table gathering in The Phantom Menace; why Qui-Gonn Jinn did not further deploy his very particular set of skills remains one of cinema’s greatest mysteries.
LIGHTSABER AIR SICKNESS BAG
Richard Branson is a curious fellow. Fitting, then, that to celebrate release of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Virgin Airlines produced a series of Jedi-approved vomit bags to distribute on their flights.
Insert "the movie/George Lucas made me want to throw up" gag here.
STAR WARS FISHING TACKLE
Fishing offers leisure and tranquility to a day of family bonding. I mean, what could be more relaxing than packing a cooler full of refreshments and hitting the open water with your dad? Catching fish is fun and all, but it’s the quality time spent in close company that really seals the deal.
That is, unless you’re Luke Skywalker. His father doesn't strike me as much of a fisherman. Patience, appreciation of the great outdoors, willingness to dig through a bag of maggots…. Not qualities typically associated with a Sith Lord. He's more of a "blow up a planet and obliterate an entire civilization" kinda guy.
But if ever Luke was marooned on a lake with Anakin—and worse yet, that pesky Dark Side flared up—this fishing rod’s handle doubles as a lightsaber! So young Skywalker could totally defend himself from Darth Vader’s sinister advances. Erm, maybe.