Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. Recent interviews include Batman, Sarah Connor and the cast of Bone.
You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle:@TimmyIsANerd
After interviewing Storm of the X-Men last time, this week, Timmy runs into the reviled Jar Jar Binks.
I’m standing on the Appalachian Trail and Jar-Jar Binks has me cornered against a cliff. There’s something actually intimidating about his tall, floppy stupidity that has me a little afraid this may be my last column. Just when it was getting good.
Shut up, I didn't ask for your opinion.
Meesa wanna talky-talk to you, Tim-Tim!
Look, Jar-Jar, if Storm and I offended you talking about ethnic representation, I’m sorry. We know you’re supposed to be an alien, you just come off as a ... space Jamaican.
Meesa don’t know what Jamaica is, but Meesa was hoping you'd mention my efforts in accurate Gungan representation!
Meesa always getting criticized as racist or stereotyped, but in Naboo meesa widely acclaimed for accurately portraying the common Gungan in the Imperial Senate!
But from what I've seen, all the other Gungans hate you, Jar Jar.
That’s just the army! Real Gungans are fun-loving goofies just like meesa or me or however you say it!
So you're the ultimate spokesperson for the Common Gungan?
Yousa said it!
Huh. Never thought about it that way before.
There's always another side to the story, Tim-Tim!
Can you please stop saying my name like that?
Meesa physically incapable of not saying names like that!
OK. But why do Gungans talk like that?
Weesa's tongues are waaaaaaay too long for our skulls!
That's weird. How come?
Meesa people product of rampant in-breeding!
Yikes. So what have you been up to since accidentally being the deciding vote that created The Emperor?
Well, after that Bossa Nass was very upset with Meesa! Kicked meesa out of the city! So meesa had to leave all my life behind ... meesa home, meesa friends ... meesa business ….
You owned a business, Jar Jar?
That's right! A start-up! Galaxy Star Industries!
Huh, weird. What does your business do?
Galaxy Star Inudstries. What's the concept?
It's a business called Galaxy Star Industries!
I understand that, but what do you do?
Meesa don’t know, ask meesa accountant! He controlled alllll meesa's finances. Come to think of it, meesa not hear from him in long, long time!
Well once you left Naboo, where'd you go?
Meesa did what any mid-30s bachelor with a spotty work history did. Temped in offices a little bit, got pudgy. Played a lot of Call of Duty. Before meesa knew it, Rebels blew up the Death Star and meesa was 65 years old!
So did you join the Rebellion?
Meesa went to a recruitment meeting, but after meesa told Mon Mothma that meesa knew Darth Vader and voted for Palpatine, they weren't interested! Also, meesa has no fighting skills, talks too much and smells like old fish.
Yeah, I thought that was a weird stench to get way up here on a mountain. So then what'd you do?
Well, meesa really needed a job and was very depressed. Meesa got very, very into drinking! One night I went home with a giant yellow bird-man and weesa had a romantic evening of hate sex! Turned out his name was Big Bird!
You got drunk and had sex with Big Bird?
What happens in Mos Eisley stays in Mos Eisley.
Unless you tell someone and they publish it on the Internet.
Never mind. So how did this "encounter" with Big Bird help?
Well, he said they had a new character that they needed a voice for, and once I got out of rehab meesa could be the voice of the new puppet!
Meesa had biiiig, big, big addiction to furniture polish!
I see. So which character did you voice?
Take a guess.
I have no idea.
Meesa give you a clue: he's red and named Elmo.
You got it!
Terrible clues by the way. So what made you right for Elmo?
Well, Elmo is loud, refers to himself in the third person, and children love Him even though the previous generation of fans thinks he's hacky garbage!
Wow, that does make a lot of sense. Hey why did you capitalize "Him" for Elmo?
Yousa didn't know? After he became so popular, now Elmo is a God on Naboo!
Elmo is a god?
Oh yes! Meesa is his herald! Elmo has been controlling this whole column, and now he's decided it's finished!
Wait, really? This is the end?
YES, TIMMY! TIME TO BRING YOU BACK TO ELMO'S WORLD! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ELMO'S WORLD!
Oh, God, it's Elmo.
AHEM AREN,T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?
Sorry. Oh, Elmo, it's Elmo.
SORRY TIM-TIM, BUT ELMO'S HOLY TRINITY HAS COME TO TAKE YOU BACK!
OK ... so Jar Jar, Elmo ... who’s the third?
Oh no. Here comes the third member of the trinity: a gangly, yellow-feathered abomination with long Jar Jar ears.
It'sa meesa's love child!
OK. That's it. Take me now, Elmo!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA SAY GOODBYE!
I explode in a cloud of red mist. My soul reaches into the nether regions and is embraced by the red furry annoyingness of eternity. I am now complete.
So is this column. Come back next week for my new columns Jedi Obscura and Margaret At The Movies!