Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. Recent interviews include Batman, Sarah Connor and the cast of Bone.
You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle: @TimmyIsANerd
This week, Timmy has a conversation with Apocalypse, Thanos and Darkseid.
I’m floating in space. Well, not really “floating” per se, because I’m not treading water and I don’t see a swim coach with a stopwatch who is so distracted by keeping time for me that she doesn’t notice I can totally see one of her nipples, I’m more just kind of...hanging out in space.
Darkseid, Thanos and Apocalypse are also totally hanging out here, too. Apocalypse is the big gray dude in the blue armor. Thanos is a big purple guy in gold armor. Darkseid is also a gray dude in blue armor but his face looks more like Thanos’ face and I think he’s older than them and oh no I’m already confused...
TIMMY WILLIAMS, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US HERE.
Well it wasn’t really a choice, was it? I was watching the Punisher feed the homeless one minute and the next I was here.
YES I SUPPOSE WE DID KIND OF KIDNAP YOU, DIDN’T WE?
I WOULDN’T SAY WE KIDNAPPED HIM! HE’S ABOUT TO DO THE UNIVERSE A GREAT SERVICE.
WOULD YOU TWO STOP BICKERING? IT’S VERY EMBARRASSING.
I’m sorry...which of you is which again?
I AM THANOS.
I AM DARKSEID.
I AM APOCALYPSE.
Okay. Because you all look rather similar.
YES, WE KNOW.
Well how can I tell you apart?
I AM THANOS, AND I WANT TO DESTROY THE EARTH TO APPEASE THE PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF DEATH.
I AM DARKSEID, AND I WANT TO DESTROY THE EARTH AND ENSLAVE THE GALAXY.
I AM APOCALYPSE,, AND I WANT TO DESTROY THE EARTH BECAUSE PHILOSOPHY.
I must be honest with you, that doesn’t really help.
WHY DO YOU NEED TO TELL US APART ANYWAYS?
YES, WE ALL LOOK REALLY COOL AND ARE PRETTY POWERFUL VILLAINS.
IS UNIQUE CHARACTERIZATION REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?
Well yes, actually, it is. If people can’t relate to your character, they won’t be as interested, will they?
YES, BUT EXPLOSIONS AND LASERS AND OMINOUS SHAKESPEAREAN MONOLOGUES WILL MAKE UP FOR THAT.
RIGHT ON, DARKSEID.
I say, you chaps are so similar you even confuse yourselves! Wait a moment...am I reading more British all of a sudden, or is it just me?
TIMMY WILLIAMS, THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN...REBOOTED.
Rebooted? My word!
YES, WE DECIDED YOUR COLUMN WAS GETTING TOO COMPLICATED AND HARD TO FOLLOW FOR NEW READERS SO WE USED DARKSEID’S ANTI-LIFE EQUATION AND THANOS’ POWER COSMIC TO RESET THE UNIVERSE OF THIS COLUMN.
DON’T FORGET MY CONTRIBUTION.
OH. RIGHT. AND APOCALYPSE BROUGHT SPINACH DIP.
Can’t say I disagree old sports, but why must I be British? I’ve been working on this “affable Midwesterner” thing for quite a few years now, and it’ll be a spot harder to do that when I sound so...foofy.
“FOOFY” IS NOT A WORD.
OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I HAVE BEEN ALIVE SINCE THE PYRAMIDS WERE BUILT, THERE IS MUCH I KNOW.
THAT’S NOT EVEN THAT OLD.
WHATEVER. “FOOFY” IS STILL NOT A WORD.
A *pop* sound emits from Darkseid’s hands and a palpable difference is felt in the fabric of reality.
IT IS NOW.
THANK YOU, DARKSEID.
NO PROBLEM, THANOS. WRINKLE-CHINS FOR LIFE BRO.
I HATE YOU GUYS.
But I still don’t see why we must reboot my universe. It’s only just started you see, and I was just starting to enjoy myself.
READERSHIP IS DOWN.
I was gone for a month! And even if I had been writing and we were losing writers, wouldn’t I just want to improve my quality?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “QUALITY?”
LIKE PUT IT IN A VARIANT HOLOGRAM COVER?
NO NO, THAT HASN’T WORKED FOR 20 YEARS. WHAT ELSE?
DO YOU HAVE A HUSBAND THAT WISHES HE WAS A LADY?
I...what? No, don’t be daft. Ugh. Daft? This is quite unnerving. Ugh again. What I mean to say is that I’ve only been writing this column for a short time, and to “reboot” or “re-imagine” it wouldn’t be exciting or new, it would just mean I have to start all over. The work that myself and my readers have put into following this mess would all be for naught. And no one wants to see me talk to Spider-Man again.
BUT DON’T YOU WANT A NEW ORIGIN? SOMETHING SEXIER?
GOOD IDEA, THANOS! WE COULD EVEN HAVE MEGAN FOX PLAY HIS MOM!
HOW ABOUT WE GET BRETT RATNER INVOLVED?
WHY ARE YOU HERE AGAIN?
YOU KNOW, IF YOU GUYS DON’T TREAT ME BETTER I’M GOING TO LEAVE AND TAKE MY GIANT “A” BELT BUCKLE AND BOOT-SHAPED SPACESHIP WITH ME.
Look chaps. I appreciate your concern, really I do, but can’t we just hold off on this reboot thing for at least a while?
VERY WELL, TIMMY WILLIAMS. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE BRITISH?
I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
YOU MAY CONTINUE YOUR COLUMN WITHOUT ANY UNSETTLING REBOOTS. WE SHALL REVISIT THIS MATTER IN ONE YEAR’S TIME.
BUT THINK ABOUT THE MEGAN FOX THING.
OH, AND YOU STILL HAVE TO INTERVIEW SOMEONE BRITISH NEXT WEEK.
Oh, all right. And maybe next time you could all wear different hats or something
WE WILL ASK OUR BOSS.
Thank you guv’nuh.
Come back next week when I interview a popular fictional character from Great Britain!