Timmy Williams is a comedian and writer best known as a member of The Whitest Kids U’ Know. He lives in South Dakota with his daughter Margaret. Margaret is 4 and loves watching movies with her dad. This column will feature Margaret’s actual thoughts on the most iconic films of all time.
I couldn’t wait for Margaret to watch The Empire Strikes Back, because I’ve never seen someone watch that movie fresh, with no idea about the big twist at the end! At this point she has only seen A New Hope so she has no idea about any of the Skywalker family’s secrets (just like George Lucas before they re-wrote the ending to Empire). This is also one of my all-time favorites so I was looking forward to showing her the Star Wars Saga’s crowning cinematic achievement. She had a lot to say about it:
Can we talk about the second Star Wars movie?
I don’t want to.
I wait for one minute and ten seconds while she eats her cereal.
Hey can I ask you some questions about the second Star Wars movie?
Uh-huh. (In the words of Billy Dee Williams: works every time.)
Okay. Do you remember the name of this Star Wars movie?
Yes! What kind of planet does this movie start on? What kind of weather do they have?
And what kind of animal does Luke ride in the beginning?
Maybe like a horse mixed with a kangaroo?
Okay. So what happens to Luke at the starting?
He falls down from being too cold.
Right, but before that, he’s in a cave hanging upside down. What put him there?
Yep, a beast.
A SNOW BEAST! And then he used the magic to get his lightsaber, and then he turned it on when the beast came and he quickly cut it!
Then he falls down from being too cold and he sees a ghost. Who is it?
Obi-Wan Kenoooobbiiiiiii! (I love that this little girl’s favorite character is the dead old man.)
And who does Obi-Wan tell him to go see?
Yoda, to learn how to use The Force!
And what does Han Solo do to help Luke when they’re stuck in the cold?
Put him in guts!
Yeah gross! When they’re back at base, are Han Solo and Princess Leia getting along?
What does Leia do to make Han mad?
Uh, kiss Luke.
You haven’t seen the 3rd movie yet. Do you think Princess Leia will end up with Luke or end up with Han Solo?
End up with Luke.
Sometimes me and my Mom go to the place!
All right. Hey how do the good guys stop those big walking machines?
Tie them up. And then around and around and it felllllll over.
Even though they do that, do the good guys win that fight or do they have to run away?
They have to run away.
Think about the whole movie - do the good guys win any fights the whole movie?
That’s too bad. And then who does Princess Leia have to go with?
And what’s his ship called again?
The Millennium Falconry Jedi.
I like that name a lot. When they fly into the asteroids and land on a rock, they go into a cave. What does the cave turn out to be?
A monster. A chomping one. It’s a face with a bunch of teeth. (I wonder how she’ll describe the Sarlacc?)
There were other little monsters in there, and what was your favorite part of the movie?
C-3PO goes “Shoo shoo go away!”
Then they go to visit Han’s friend. What’s his name?
I don’t know.
No, that’s in Superman. That would be cool, though.
Right. And is he nice?
Why’s he only kind of nice?
He tries to get them and helps them freeze Han Solo.
Now what does Princess Leia say before they freeze Han Solo?
That she loves him.
And what does he say?
I don’t know.
He says “I know.”
What happens to C-3PO right when they get to Cloud City?
He gets like...someone does...he goes “AAAH!” And Chewbacca carries him in a bag like “walk walk.”
Who do Luke and R2-D2 meet on the swampy planet?
And before they meet Yoda, what happens in the water?
R2-D2 shoots through the air and goes “WHHHHAAAOOH!”
What did that to him?
Like a shark or something.
Whose voice tells Yoda to teach Luke?
O. Bi. Wan. Kenobs. (This is not a typo, she called him “Kenobs” like they’re old buddies.)
Yeah but then Luke leaves, right?
And when he’s gone Yoda says “there is another.”
Who do you think they’re talking about?
Why do you think it’s Leia? Is there a part in the movie where it seems like she might know The Force?
Yeah! When he says “Leia I need your help” and she says “Luke. We need to go back.”
If the bad guys found Yoda what do you think they would do, kill him or try to turn him bad?
Try and turn him bad.
I wouldn’t want to mess with a bad Yoda, would you?
I would fight him.
What if he used the Force and made you fly up in the air?
Wait how about he’s good and then I’m Purple Yoda. That would be my name and I’d be his girlfriend!
You’d be purple?
Or he’d be my grandpa and I’d be his grandkid!
Would you know how to use The Force?
I would know how to do everything except be the bad guys.
So when Luke leaves Yoda and goes to help his friends, who does he get in a fight with?
He doesn’t fight Yoda!
Well they just argue.
You’re right. But who does Luke get in a lightsaber fight with?
And what does Darth Vader do to Luke? Does he hurt him?
He cuts his arm off and then in the spaceship he gets shocked on the finger!
On his new hand. What kind of hand is that?
A robot hand.
But before that, what does Darth Vader tell Luke?
I’m your father.
And you didn’t believe that right away.
No. He was just saying it.
When we were watching the first Star Wars movie did you ever think Darth Vader would turn out to be Luke’s dad?
So was that a surprise?
Do you think Darth Vader had any other kids?
Luke was Darth Vader’s only kid?
Do you think the next movie will start with the good guys finding Han Solo or will they just skip that part?
I guess we’ll find out.
We will definitely find out. Come back next time when Margaret discusses Return Of The Jedi!