Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. Recent interviews include Batman, Sarah Connor and the cast of Bone.
You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle: @TimmyIsANerd
This week, Timmy goes on a ride along with The Punisher.
Well, this sucks. I'm tied to a chair in a dirty windowless basement and The Punisher is just pacing back and forth, tapping a knife on his grenade belt. How do grenade belts work, anyway? I mean, belts are made to keep your pants up, but if your belt is stockpiled with grenades that's gotta be heavy, right? Wouldn't that make it even harder to keep your-
PUNISHER: It's time.
It's time for us to make a difference.
Punny (there’s no way he likes that nickname) flicks his knife four times and I find my ankles and wrists free from bondage. He ushers me outside into New York City at 3 a.m. We stroll down the street - well, I stroll, but Punisher manages to walk slowly and still look like he's going to kill you. Maybe that's because he's holding a giant, Liefeld-esque machine gun.
So, Mr. Punisher, is this how you normally catch your bad guys? Just walking around?
This is a good way to find any criminals too dumb to run from a hulking sociopath in a skull shirt holding a weapon, but let's get one thing straight: I don't "catch" anybody.
Oh, right. Sometimes I forget you're a mass murderer.
Across the street an elderly woman gets ready to cross over while holding two of those enormous plaid plastic bags that you only see people use in New York City and always assume are filled with moldy laundry.
Wait right here.
Where are you going? Are you gonna kill that old lady for jaywalking?
The people of this city need to learn.
Oh, my God.
Punisher straps his giant gun to his back and stalks toward the old lady. She is clearly terrified. It's 2015 - everyone knows about this nutjob in the skull shirt. Also, it's 2015 - white guys with guns are just generally frowned upon.
Maybe we can give her a trial first? Or quick check her blog and make sure she's not crazy?
No way to escape what's coming to her.
Punisher grabs the woman around the waist and heaves her onto his shoulders. He picks up her bags and walks them all to our side of the street! He then sets the lady and her stuff down and pats her on the head. It's probably the first time he’s touched somebody’s head without ripping it off. The lady nods nervously and saunters away, bags in tow.
Wow. You just helped that old lady and didn’t even hurt anybody! I’m proud of you.
I know her.
Ah. An old friend?
No, last weekend I fed her nephew to a shark at the Coney Island Aquarium. Turns out that’s not a great interrogation method.
Well, I’m glad you’re finding new ways to help people.
Don't get used to it.
So I talked to Spider-Man recently. Do you two know each other?
Don't get me started.
Not a fan?
He's a teenage genius who has created the perfect substance for silent suffocation and strangulation - and he uses it to swing around the city and stick cameras to walls. What a waste of talent.
How about Daredevil? Do you like him?
I haven't run into him but I can't say I approve of his "non-lethal" approach. I'm not sure what will happen when we meet. I guess we'll all find out together next spring on Netflix!
That was weird. Hey, why is that soup kitchen open at this hour?
Punisher cocks his machine gun.
Time to investigate.
Most people investigate with a magnifying glass.
I follow him into the soup kitchen. Doesn't seem like anything sketchy is going on, they're just busy. Aunt May is behind the counter serving up the hoboes. It's funny - I don't remember her being this hot before, but she kinda reminds me of that girl from "My Cousin Vinny." She's really filling out that shawl.
So what are we going to do?
We're going to serve.
Like how you served in Vietnam?
Minutes later and Punisher is spooning up soup for the needy! He looks great in an apron.
Is that gun clean? You could just stir the soup with a ladle like everyone else.
Speaking of "be prepared," our next stop on this Opposite-Of-Punishing Tour is a local Boy Scout meeting! Why are Boy Scouts meeting at 4 in the morning? Uhh ... hey look! What's that over there?
And that, boys, is how you tie a noose. Now, who's still working on their Garroting Merit Badge?
I look up "garroting" on my phone. It's pretty scary, but I suppose these boys now have another skill that will come in handy in a very specific situation like having to assassinate a Mafioso when all you have is piano wire. But you know what? I'm happy for The Punisher. He seems to have found another outlet for his insane quest for vengeance. Maybe he'll give up the murder stuff for good!
Not bloody likely. Look, I even said "bloody" in my retort.
How did you hear what I was saying?
I think I can read minds now.
Could you read minds before?
Nope, just the killing stuff.
Then what happened?
A trio of loud baritone voices crashes through reality, straight into my mind.
HE HAS BEEN REBOOTED.
A blinding flash forces my eyes shut. When they open, I'm floating in space.
TIMMY WILLIAMS, YOU MUST HELP US RECONSTRUCT REALITY.
I'm surrounded by Thanos, Darkseid and Apocalypse!
OK ... but how do I tell you guys apart?
Come back next time to help me figure out the differences between these very similar characters!